Helga Versus Everyone, Everything
by Helga Gee Pataki
Summary: A Patakis Fanfic. Helga is 15, moody, and just ready to move out of the house in 3 years. She must overcome her family's issues, her peers, puberty, and worst of all: her feelings about a certain football head.
1. Olga's secret

The Patakis

Episode 1: "Olga's secret"

XoXoXo

This is it, I thought to myself as I sat down at the dinner table. This is the time I will actually send one of the sappy letters I write to football head every day, I said inwardly. I clicked my signature purple pen, ready to begin.

_Dear Arnold,_

_What's up, Bucko? I've missed you like crazy ever since you left for San Lorenzo. Things in Hillwood have changed a lot. Harold's lost weight and is dating Rhonda, Sid grew facial hair, and Eugene moved to California. Lila and I are friends now. Well sort of. She just follows me around and gives me random advice I usually don't take. Phoebe and Gerald are dating now, but I'm sure you've heard that one. And most shocking of all, Nadine has traded her obsession for bugs for an obsession with boys. Criminy. Now that I think about it, too much has happened for me to even write in one letter. Maybe I could explain it all over telephone. Call me, okay, hair boy?_

_Love,_

_Helga_

I sealed the letter in a bright orange envelope, and sigh. I held it close to my chest for a moment, as if I was afraid it would flutter away. Olga, my nit wit older sister, pulled up a chair and sat next to me.

"What's that, baby sister?"

Quickly, I tucked the letter inside of my favorite pink shirt. "None of your business, dork."

Clueless Olga laughed, thinking that_ sweet and loving_ Helga, her _darling baby sister _was joking. Only she wasn't.

"It's okay Helga. I've got a secret of my own!" Olga sang out.

Oh, Brother. I finished my last bites of egg and started on my toast. Whatever secret Olga had was probably shallow and dumb. I could've pictured her cheerfully saying "Baby sister, I've found the door to Narnia!" What a sap.

"And what would that be what?" I said, mouth full of toast.

She giggled. "I can't tell you."

I rolled my eyes. "Why?"

"Because otherwise it wouldn't be a secret."

Olga must've seen the expression on my face, because she cleared her act up really quick. She laughed, with a hint of nervousness in her tone. She sat up straighter, and pushed a strand of blonde hair from out of her face.

"Well, I'll be telling everyone tonight at dinner."

And Ms. Mary Sunshine skipped off, forgetting some of her oh-so-very important papers on the table. She was too far away by the time I noticed she left it. Being the good soul I am, I decided to read it. You know, just to make sure it was appropriate for someone with such _high standards._

"Scene two, act three?" I said, in disbelief.

I flipped through the packet. It wasn't her usual boring applications, or letters from lover boys. It was a script. As I was two-thirds of the way through, three tickets fell out of the script. I read the title.

"_Cats the Musical_?" I read, stumped.

Somehow, I thought this had something to do with Olga's secret.

XoXoXo

Olga gathered us all around the piano and beamed. Since Big Bob and Miriam were hogging the coach, I had to pull up a chair. It used to irritate me that I never got to be included on the coach, but I got over that long ago. Sometimes it's better not to be a big part of things. It makes sneaking around much easier when people aren't breathing down your neck.

"Mommy, Daddy," Olga said, "I have a special surprise for you."

Gracefully, she sat down on the piano. She placed her skinny fingers on the piano, and smiled.

"Well lay it on us, kiddo!" Big Bob cheered.

I sighed and glanced at my watch. I could've been watching my favorite action flick but _no _I had to watch Mary Poppins play her stupid piano that she plays _every_ single day. Olga cleared her throat and begin to sing while she played.

"Daylight! See the dew on the sunflower! And a rose that is fading..."

Blah, Blah, Blah. I felt like Olga went out of her way to rub in everyone's face just how angelic and perfect she is. "Oh, look at ! She's so pretty talented and smart! Why don't we build her a giant award made from smaller awards!" Sure, her voice was perfect, but after you hear Olga's voice so many times it loses its...luster. But every stinking time she sang for my parents they acted like they were drowning and her voice was air. I turned my head to the side and saw my mom tearing up. Pathetic.

"...memory! All alone in the moonlight! I can smile at the old days!"

I knew this song. It was from this one lame musical Olga forced me to attend in the 6th grade; a musical about cats...wait a minute! Olga was going to be in Cats. What a lame secret! I half-expected a lovechild that she had never told us about.

"If you touch me you'll understand what happiness is. Look! A new day has begun."

Big Bob stood up, and clapped. Miriam was glowing with pride. And me? I scowled. I saw no need to show any sign of awe or gooey affection.

"Wow, Olga! That voice of yours is really something!"

"Thank you, Daddy." She sat back down, looking confident.

"Yeah, Olga. You... really are... a star."

Princess Annoying batted her mascara-coated eyelashes and giggled. "Well mom, do you recognize that piece?"

"Um..."

My _mother _looked puzzled. That's what happens when your brain cells die from alcohol abuse.

"It's from _Cats_, _Miriam,_" I interupted, tired.

Olga squealed like a little mouse from joy. "Yes, baby sister! You remember going to _Cats_ with me years ago!"

Still bored, I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Olga."

She stood up, blissful. "Well, Mommy and Daddy, I am going to star as Grizzabella in the Spring Production of _Cats_!"

"Olga, that's wonderful!" Miriam gushed

"You'll steal the show!" Bob chuckled.

Yeah right, I thought. I remember Grizzabella as being a depressing, yet wise character. The exact opposite of Olga. _I'm_ more like Grizzabella, even though I'm younger. She's more like that dumb other cat who sings the song with Grizzabella, what's-her-name, who is naive and almost as irritating as Olga.

"Thank you. But this isn't the only play I'll be doing."

"You'll be doing another play?" Bob asked.

Olga gave Big Bob a skitish laugh. "Yes, I'll be doing a lot of plays. Mommy, daddy, I've decided to give up on my dreams of becoming a teacher."

"Why?" Bob demanded.

"Yeah...honey...you'd be a perfect person...for the, um, job."

She clapped her hands together. "I was getting to that," she said, "I'm giving up on my dreams of being a teacher so that I can chase after my new dreams of being a broadway actress.

"A what?" Big Bob shouted.

"Olga Pataki, broadway actress!" She made a rainbow with her hands.

Dead silence. I didn't see either Bob or Miriam blink for a full minute. Olga waited patiently.

"Olga, you're the smartest dang kid I've ever met. Why would you want to waste your talents being something as brainless as an actress?

A nuclear bomb was dropped in the family room. Olga's lip began to shake.

"You could...be a concert pianist instead," Miriam suggested.

"But mommy, this is what I want to do! Oh can't you see me preforming all sorts of plays, from _Hamlet _to _Peter Pan_? This is what I was born to do!"

I could see the rage bubbling in Big Bob's eyes. He dug his meaty fingers into the armrests of the couch. His jaw was clenched so tight, I thought it might snap. Secretly, I wished for a jumbo bag of buttered popcorn. _Not so perfect now, eh ? _He threw his hands in the air.

"You mean we wasted all that money for college just to have you screw it all up to bat your lashes and giggle for a living?"

"But daddy..."

Miriam snapped her fingers. "I know! You could be an...uh reporter. They have lines too."

"If I wanted you to get a job based on looks, I would've drove you down to the strip club! I'm sure one of those lovely ladies wouldn't mind giving you some pointers!"

At that, I burst into laughter. Being Helga G. Pataki, the invisible child, I was able to get away with that scott-fee. Ah, this is better than cable.

"But daddy!"

"You could even ask them for makeup tips!"

"Um, honey, you never answered my question," Miriam said.

"Seriously Olga, get your head out of the clouds."

"But daddy-"

"I can't believe-"

"DADDY!" Olga screamed, at the top of her lungs.

Big Bob was silent.

"I thought that you would support me, like you always did," Olga sniffled, mascara running down her cheeks, "but I was wrong."

She dashed upstairs to her room, and slammed the door. The sound of her sobs were still audible from downstairs. How utterly awesome.

"I don't care if her feelings are hurt. I am _not _having an actress for a daughter."

And after that was said, I could think was two words. How perfect.

XoXoXo

"...and after Olga ran up stairs to cry her eyes out, Big Bob broke a whole vase!" I exclaimed, telling the entire story to Phoebe and I guess Lila, too, because she was following me around again in the highschool hallways

"Oh, I feel everso sorry for Olga. I certainly wish there was something I could do."

"Whatever. She doesn't deserve pity," I snorted.

"Wow Helga, I'm happy for you!" Phoebe commented.

"Why? It has nothing to do with me."

Phoebe froze in her tracks. "Well aren't your parents paying more attention to you?"

Hahaha, No. "No."

"Well, I certainly think that this is a wonderful opportunity to get the attention you want everso much from your parents," Lila chimmed in.

Huh, maybe that pretty head of hers isn't just filled with air. "That's actually a good idea, Rapunzel."

"Rapunzel?" She cocked her head to the side in confusion.

"It's your new nickname. You know, since your braids are down to your waist now."

The look I received was hysterical.

I shrugged. "Hey, if you want to hang with me you get a nickname. Right Phoebs?"

"Right."

"Well, girls, I have to get to 4th period on time. Bye!" I said, running toward the classroom.

For the first time in years, I couldn't wait to go home.

XoXoXo

When I walked through the door, I saw Big Bob sitting on the couch with a beer in his hand. I cleared my throat. With Olga out of the way, I had a great shot of being the golden child for five minutes.

"Uh, Dad?" I said, the word _dad _tasting funny in my mouth.

"Yeah, Olga?"

_Drat_. "It's Helga, dad."

"Oh. Yeah. Forgot. What do you want?"

I paused, choosing my words very carefully. "Well, dad, you know I love baseball, right?"

"You're not asking for anything are you? Because you know how I feel about asking." He raised his furry eyebrow.

"I just wanted to let you know that I made varisty baseball this year."

For a split second, Big Bob looks impressed. I felt a long over-due sense of pride. But soon his look is destroyed by a critical one.

"How'd you make varsity? You only started baseball this year."

"Um, no. Dad, I've played baseball since the 1st grade."

"Are you any good?"

"I'm team captain," I boasted.

"Oh. Wow. Well isn't that something." Big Bob went back to his pointless golf show.

"Would you like to go to my game this weekend?" I pushed.

"Eh, no. Not this weekend. I'm helping Olga with her car trouble."

Slowly but surely, a cruel thought came to my mind. I calculated my evil plan inside my head, and imagined lightning and thunder in the background as I spoke my next sentence.

"Oh," I said, pausing for effect,"I guess Olga has to be to her _Cats _rehearsal on time. You know, to play Grizzabella."

I paused again, to inwardly snicker at Big Bob's expression.

"Memory! All alone in the moonlight!" I sang in my best high-pitched Olga voice.

Big Bob pondered this for a moment, and smirked.

"You know Olga-"

"Helga."

"Whatever. Maybe I can make it to your game after all," he considered.

This was the begining of the end for the Olga empire.

XoXoXo

It was past midnight. I was walking to the mailbox, with my letter to Arnold in hand. I stood in front of the mailbox, warring with myself like I do every single day. My hand glided toward the slit for the mail, shaking.

"Do it you coward!" I hissed to myself. "Do it or forever hold you peace!"

This is how it is every day. I seriously doubt I'll ever send him letter first. My silly pride gets in the way every time I think about sending a letter. Arnold and I have a history. We were together in 5th grade, until he moved to San Lorenzo and I got pissed off and broke up with him. Then, in the 6th grade I came crawling back like a baby. In the 7th grade, he told me our long distance relationship wasn't working, so we broke up again. He lost his resolve in the summer of the 8th grade, though, when he visited. Last year, we "mutually" agreed that we were better off as friends (and by "mutually" I mean he suggested the idea doing one of our worst fights and I went along with it because of my ego). That worked until the start of this year, when he mentioned something about a girl from San Lorenzo, and pissed me off. I haven't talked to him since.

"But if I send it, he'll think I'm desperate," I mumbled, "He's probably head over heels with that other girl, Paula."

I folded the letter and slid it back in my pocket.

Someday, but not today.

**Legal Crap: I don't own the characters or ideas of Hey Arnold!. Or Cats the musical. **


	2. The Dance

The Patakis

"The Dance"

XoXoXo

_Dear Arnoldo,_

_Hey. It's Helga, writing to you from my boring-as-dirt history class. I really miss you, especially when there's all this romantic crap going on at school. The "Sweetheart's Dance" is coming up this Friday, and I have no one to go with, but that's okay. I never go to things like this, because you're not here. Not trying to make you feel guilty or anything, plenty of people don't have dates. Like my history teacher, . I'm sure he'll grow old with no one but Sprinkles, his fat tabby. Oh criminy, he's looking at me right now. Well, got to go!_

_From,_

_Helg-_

"Ms. Pataki!" He yelled.

"Yes _sirrrr_?" I answered, stretching out the word "sir" to be mocking.

"Hand me that note."

"Pardon?" I blinked twice.

"The note."

I panicked, switching the letter with another near-by piece of paper. Ol' baldie would've freaked out if he read the part about his relationship status.

"I'm waiting."

"Here." I handed him the decoy.

He walked to the front of the class, and loudly cleared his throat. His adam's apple bobbed up and down.

"Deep are the eyes of my true love," He read aloud.

Oh Lord. This is even worse than the letter, I thought. Why couldn't it be last night's math? I felt a blush emerge to my checks, but I fought it off with a scowl.

"So true, their hue, so ever bright," He paused to cough, "That I could drown in them. And I just might. But like the comet lost in flight, he's always here one day and gone by night. So gone he'll be, so far from me, it seems like an eternity. I'll weep and pine for love's not mine, the love that cannot be."

Rhonda and her herd of cows snickered and whispered to each other. She's been growing her hair out lately. I wished I could've ripped every strand from her scalp. It would make a nice rug.

"Very nice Ms. Pataki. Alas, this is not English class," Mr. Buchman chuckled.

_Oh you think you're funny? You're , huh? Well you'll be laughing when a bottle of cleaning agent is in my hand and my fingers slip over your morning coffee… _"Yes, ."

I caught Gerald's eye for a moment, but quickly looked away. He's been my only link to Arnold over the past few months, and I usually get my information through Phoebe. But still, the knowing look in his eyes was overtly obvious.

"I thought Arnold dumped her," Nadine_ whispered_.

"I don't know," Sheena replied. "They've been back and forth so many times it's hard to keep track."

I put my head on my desk. "It was a mutual agreement," I muttered

XoXoXo

"Everyone's talking about your poem in History," Phoebe told me.

"I know," I growled.

"They think it's about Arnold."

"I know."

"Oh, and that you're not over him."

"I know."

"Rhonda's never going to let you live this one down."

"I know! Gosh, Phoebe, you're killing me."

Phoebe turned red. "Sorry."

"I mean, criminy! Everyone has a date to the Sweetheart's Dance but me, and it's all thanks to him! Even you have Gerald!"

Phoebe patted me on the back, full of empathy. But she had Gerald, and was in a stable relationship. Who did I have? No one, that's who. No one in the world loved Helga Pataki. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.

"I'm sure there's someone…"

That's when I heard a hideous breathing noise. I raised The Five Avengers, and turned around.

"No, wait Helga!"

I stop, shocked. _It speaks? _

"I'm sorry for always following you around and never saying anything. I'm just always so nervous when I see you. My mom's an alcoholic, so I never really learned how to interact with women. She loves her beer more than she loves me."

He could've just said "mom" and "alcoholic" and he still would've caught my attention. I felt my heart melt. I lowered The Five Avengers, and stared at Brainy in awe.

"Plus, my dad never pays any attention to me, so he doesn't exactly give me any pointers."

"Wow, Brainy. That's…a shame."

He ran his fingers through his hair. I shifted my weight from one foot to another. Phoebe walked away, leaving me with Brainy. I felt stranded on Loser Island.

"Yeah. It really is a shame, huh?"

"Yep."

"See you around, Helga."

He walked away, melancholy. I felt sympathy for the little twerp. For a second there, I almost felt a…bond with the little freak. An odd thought came into my head. I chased after him.

"Hey! Brainy!"

He turned around at the sound of his name. There was a hopeful glint in his eye.

"Y-Yes, H-Helga?"

I took a deep breath. "Want to go to the dance with me?"

From the look on his face, I thought he might've had a heart attack. "R-r-really?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, captain snail brain. This Friday. The dance. With me."

"I'm honored-"

"Oh, shut it brainy. It's not a big deal. We're no engaged."

"Okay, Helga."

I pulled out my favorite purple pen, the same one that I had used to write that dreaded poem that Mr. Buchman read. Arnold, my heart whined. I clicked it, half regretting asking him to the dance already. I sighed.

"Here's my number." I scribbled the digits on his left palm, which was sweaty.

"Thanks Helga…I've always wanted your number."

"Whatever. Call me."

I stormed off, playing the scene over in my head. I had just found out that Brainy's home life is just as screwed as mine, asked _Brainy _to the darn dance, and given him my number. Arnold was going to be super jealous. And I mean full-on green crazy mad romance novel worthy envy. I could've skipped down the hallway in bliss, until I saw Rhonda

"Helga, we need to talk."

Rhonda pointed her pastel pink claw at me while her goons surrounded me. Oh brother, I thought. Invasion of the Barbies.

"What, Princess?"

She paced around me in those ridiculous high heels of hers, rsembling a lion going for the kill. Rhonda, even in the 4th grade, was manipulative, self absorbed, and a gossip. She is about thousand times worse in high school. 4th grade Rhonda was just an argument, but 10th grade Rhonda is a full blown war.

"Helga, darling, enough with the childish names. We're 15." _Yeah and your outfit suggests that you're 21 and in Vegas._

"What do you want?"

"I just heard about you and Brainy."

Duh. I forgot that dumb Rhonda stalks everyone's love lives. The fool.

"Oh. Yeah. Eh." I shrugged, blasé.

She circled around me again, Nadine giggling. "Just don't break the boy. He's had a crush on you since preschool, you know?"

"Whatever."

"You realize that Arnold _must _know about this, right?" She laughed.

"I don't care about Arnold," I lied.

"Then who was that poem about? The deep eyes?" Sheena asked.

Please, I prayed. Don't abandon me now, creativity. I need you to lie for me.

"Brainy. Duh." Someone should've beat me senseless.

Everyone stared. Even Gerald, who was around paused. He would probably blab every word to Arnold.

"So you're finally over Arnold, eh?" Rhonda mused.

I gulped. "Yep. I broke up with him, didn't I?"

Gerald shook his head and kept walking. I almost cried.

"Oh. Well. Good for you."

A smirk found its way onto my face. Sweet victory.

XoXoXo

Friday came much faster than I expected. I was in my room panicking. I really didn't want to go with Brainy, but I didn't want to crush the little guy. Plus, I needed Arnold to feel…longing. The same bitter longing that I feel ever day.

I opened my closet, browsing my options. I had never been to a dance before, so was completely clueless. Ugly turtleneck? No. Bear T-shirt? Ha, no. Tank top? No. Olga's polka-dot skirt? Nope. Yellow skinny jeans? Negative. I wanted to look nice, but not too nice. I didn't want to give Brainy any ideas. After all, this was a pity date. Finally, I found a decent dress.

It was a plain thing, not to flashy, elegant, or revealing. It went about an inch past my knee, had short sleeves and showed only my collarbones. There was a bow around the waist and the material was soft. Probably cotton. The entire dress was a shade of navy blue.

Finally, I moved on to the extra junk. I decided not to pluck my unibrow. It was a part of me. I couldn't bear to put on makeup either, that was something I only did for Arnold when we went to special events. I didn't even put on perfume.

But I did do my hair. I let my hair down. I set down my signature hat, the hat that Arnold had bought for me at a baseball game. I cut some fabric from the navy blue bow on the dress to make one that matched for my hair. I used it to make a high ponytail on my head. I jammed silver studs into my ears and "borrowed" Miriam's bracelet. Lastly, I shoved my feet into a pair of black converse. Phoebe had drawn a little dead stick figure on the toe of the right foot when we were in the 7th grade , but I could care less. I just wanted to get this over with.

I smeared chapstick on my lips. "Let's do this."

XoXoXo

"W-Wow. You look…wow," Brainy stumbled.

Brainy looked like he had seen the goddess Aphrodite. I looked around, just to check. Nope. No greek goddess escaped our history textbooks. Just plain ol' me in a plain ol' dress.

"Thanks," I replied. "You look okay yourself."

He was wearing a black sweater, with a lavender shirt underneath. I smelled the musky scent of cologne and hairspray. He just stared, and started breathing again.

"Brainy?"

He awoke from his trance. "Y-yeah?"

"You're doing it again."

"What?" He asked, defensive.

"That continuous breathing noise. It's kind of creepy."

"Sorry. I have kind of a cold, because my mom left the window open after one of her drinking episodes."

He sniffled, and adjusted his glasses. I stared at the doodle on my sneakers done in red ink. It seemed to wink at me, like an old friend.

"There's the love birds!"

Almost on reflex, I grabbed Brainy's hand. He blushed, and mumbled some nonsense. I had to make this look good, or Rhonda and her crew's taunts would haunt me till college.

"Hey Rhonda," I smiled.

She was wearing a skimpy red dress with five inch ivory heels. Harold had one hand on her hip and another in his pocket. Huh. I was surprised that Rhonda had forced the boy to comb his hair. I wondered what kind of mind tricks Rhonda used on him.

"I can't believe you two are finally a couple! You must be excited Brainy! What does it feel like, Brainy? To finally have the girl of your dreams?"

His eyes grew starry. "Heaven."

Harold chuckled. "You must have another girl then."

Rhonda playfully elbowed the chimp. "Bad Harold!"

Harold pulled Rhonda closer and planted a kiss on her heavily made-up face. I couldn't help but think that even though both of them are repulsive, they still make a wonderful couple. Perfect chemistry. The kind of couple they write books about.

"You two have fun!" Rhonda called out, being whisked away onto the dance floor by her oaf.

That gave me an idea. I smiled at Brainy, and pulled him closer. I planted a small peck on his forehead, which was easy to do since Brainy was one of the shorter guys and I'm a giantess. He made a small sigh of ecstasy.

"Dance with me?"

He nodded, awestruck. I pulled the sap onto the floor and dance with the sap for ten songs, until Rhonda made a request. A slow song plays on the speakers. I recognize it almost immediately. This isn't any love song. This was _our _song. Not Brainy and I. Arnold and I. We danced to this song so many times together when it first came out the summer of our 8th grade year. My favorite time was when we were in the meadow and we danced barefoot so the cool dew of the grass could tickle our toes and he kissed me under the willow… I couldn't dance with Brainy to this song.

Wait, no, it's a test. Everyone knew that this song was our song. I could feel the weight of everyone's eyes on Brainy and me, the unlikely couple. His hand glided toward my waist and I placed mine on his shoulder. I felt…trapped. We danced for what seemed like a century. Finally, the song was over.

I was broken. I ruined it. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.

"Hey Brainy, can you fetch me a glass of punch?"

He nodded, and pushed through the crowd to get to the punch bowl. I excused myself to the restroom, to quietly fall apart.

XoXoXo

"Wow, its pretty cold in here," I observed.

Our cheap principal sometimes shuts of the heater to save money, and everyone else was dancing to keep warm. Except for Brainy and me. We were done for the night, and were happily hanging out at the punch bowl. I imagined pouring the entire bowl on Rhonda's head in order to keep from dying of boredom and hypothermia.

"Here, babe."

He took off his sweater and handed it to me. I put it on. It was still warm. Yuck. Brainy-warmth.

"Thanks," I said, "and I'm not your babe, okay?"

"Yes Helga."

Apparently, Rhonda wasn't done torturing me yet. She strode over, date-free, to come and talk to brainy and me.

"Hey you two! I think you should go to the photo booth together! It would be very cute!"

"I really don't think that's-"

She half-dragged the two of us to the booth and stuffed us inside. I let Brainy keep almost all the silly photos. When we're all alone again, Brainy tucked one into his pocket.

"Perfect." He grinned.

I sighed, and rolled my eyes. "It's just a picture, Brainy."

"Sorry, Helga. It's just that I usually can't afford things like photos when my mom spends all our money on whiskey."

A little red flag went off in my head. "I thought you said your mom likes beer."

His eyes grew wide. "She likes both. Ever since my dad died-"

I cut him off. "You said your dad never payed any attention to you. Which is it?"

I had him cornered. "She, well, he is..."

I held up Ol' Betsy. "You better choose your words carefully. I want the _truth_."

He sighed, then adjusted his glasses. I tapped my foot, impatient. The dork had better spit out the truth before I had to knock it out of him. He opened his lying mouth to tell me his story.

"O-okay, Helga. You see...I lied about my dad. He really is dead. My mom doesn't drink, but she really is, er, depressed."

I narrowed my eyes. "Why'd you lie then?"

"I...I...I just wanted to be closer to you." His fingers went up to stroke my hair.

"Don't touch me!" I hissed.

"But-"

I punched him right in between the eyes, not caring who saw. I stormed off to the girls bathroom, and burst open the door. I took off my earrings and bracelet, and stuffed them in my pocket. I let my hair down from my too-tight ponytail and ruffled it. It felt so much better.

"Helga?"

I turned around, probably resembling a wild animal. "Oh. Hey Phoebs."

"You okay?" Phoebe asked.

I paused. "I guess."

"Gerald and I thought this dance was getting boring, so he headed home. Would you like to go sleepover?"

I nodded, tears threatning to spill over. I started shaking, either from exhaustion or emotion. A split second later, I fell to my knees. I let my sobs run freely.

"Helga? You sure you're okay"

Phoebe offered me her hand and pulled me up. I wiped my eyes.

"Yeah. Just allergies, geez Phoebe. Calm down." I needed a cover up, just in case someone like Nadine was in the bathroom.

"Forget this ever happened," I whispered.

She gave me a sad smile. "Forgeting."

**Legal Crap: I own nothin'**


	3. Car Trouble

The Patakis

"Car Trouble"

XoXoXo

_Dear Football Head,_

_How's life? Is everything alright in San Lorenzo? My life is going okay. Big Bob's super duper happy, because business is booming. He almost even forgave Olga for deciding to become an actress (almost). He started talking to her again, though it's usually things like "pass the salt". Bob even went to one of my baseball games, and said nonchalantly "good job, kiddo." He's never called anyone but Olga kiddo. I suppose that's not a big deal for normal families, but us Patakis are um...different. I bet you noticed that. Well, when you have the time, write me, okay Arnold?_

_Signed, _

_Helga G. Pataki_

"Miriam, you oaf!" I snapped at my wasted mother.

My dim witted _mother _knocked orange juice all over my letter to Arnold. I sighed. There was no way that letter was going to San Lorenzo now. I planned on saving it anyway, and made a mental note to type it so it didn't look messy. After the dance disaster with Brainy, I liked Arnold more and more. I've always had a thing for _honest _guys.

"Oh…sorry... honey."

Strangely, Big Bob was absent from the table. He's never missed breakfast before on a Saturday. Saturdays are bacon days, and he always stuffs his face with the greasy crap. Even Olga was present, though a ghost of her former self. She was still sniffling from the argument she had with Bob. She had stopped wearing mascara days ago, so she wouldn't have to wipe it off when she threw pathetic pity parties for herself.

"Oh, look dear…there's a car pulling into our driveway…" Miriam pointed to the window.

At first, I thought she was imagining something. She always has a "touch" of vodka in her morning coffee, and the alcohol can sometimes make her…see things. Crazy things. She once thought the lamp was an anaconda, and threw a maroon heel at it. But I then I see the imaginary car tootoo.

The car itself was pretty impressive. It was this gleaming crimson SUV, with tinted windows. The car was so high off the ground that it was impossible not to notice. The driver was playing music so loud that you could hear the base. A good sign of a great stereo system.

Surprisingly, Big Bob stepped out of the new car. This had to be a joke. Patakis didn't get nice things. They were either destroyed, taken for granted, or destroyed. And I meant to say destroyed twice.

"Hello Miriam!" He called coming into the house. "I hope you saved me lots of bacon. I just came back from the car dealership with the best car ever!"

"Yeah…I saw it…when'd you get it?"

"Just now. Doi," I interjected. I have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to stupidity.

He sat down, as far away from Olga as possible. Ha. Hilarious. I broke of a piece of bacon and chewed to keep from snickering at Bob's blatant rejection.

"It has a new paint job, rims, and the world's best stereo system. Plus, the criminy seats have built in massagers!"

"Oh…that's er, wonderful, honey."

When Olga spoke, her voice was timid and afraid. "Daddy, would you mind driving me somewhere since my cars not fixed?"

Big Bob grunted. "Why, so you can get to your _ultra-important _rehearsals? Yeah right"

Olga's eyes threatened to turn red again. She sniffed. "Daddy, this is very important to me…"

"Tell it to the preacher, Olga."

Awkward silence.

"Helga, dear, did you…did you borrow my charm bracelet?"

"Yeah," I snorted.

"Um, where is it…? Why did you use it?"

I rolled my eyes. "On top of your dresser. I had a dance to go to."

Everyone at the table looked like I said that I was joining the circus and changing my name to Clownnita. Olga snapped out of her "woe is me" mood to give me a quizzical look. I scowled, and adjusted my hat. Some family we are.

"You go to dances?" Bob chuckled.

"Yes _father _. I go to dances."

"I don't even want to know," He dismissed my activities, as usual, "but I wouldn't mind giving you a ride to your next one. I love this frickin' car!"

XoXoXo

Big Bob was practically having a love affair with his car. He took the car to the Carwash every other day, and bought about a million bumper stickers. He started driving me to school (just to have an excuse to drive somewhere not because he was beginning to see how awesome his 2nd child was). All his friends came by, just to take it for a "spin". Darren, one of his sloppiest friends, got crumbs in his car and was cussed out for 30 minutes straight. Darren wasn't invited back to the house since. I had never seen Big Bob so passionate about anything, including Olga's trophies.

Big Bob wouldn't let anyone drive his precious car. Not Miriam, not Olga, not me (I don't have my license yet). Olga was late to almost all of her practices, and her boss told her if she missed one more practice, she'd get replaced by her (more talented) understudy. Strange enough, Olga wasn't late after that.

"Hey, where in creation are my keys?"

His eyes scanned the room around the key hook. Someone was going to get murdered if that man didn't find his keys soon.

"Aren't they on the key hook?" Olga asked. If I didn't know any better, I'd think she was too nervous to be innocent when asking the question.

"No," He grumbled. "They're not on the key hook."

"Oh. Did you check the kitchen?" She smiled, her fingers trembling.

He grunted and moved to the kitchen. "Here they are. How'd they get over here?"

Olga shrugged. "I don't know, Daddy. Maybe you put them there when you were eating your ribs this afternoon."

Big Bob raised his single eyebrow, put didn't argue. He simply snatched the keys, and went up the stairs. Olga sighed, relieved. I crazy thought popped into my head...No. Olga wouldn't. I shouldn't of even thought that Ms. Goody Goody two shoes would do something so...so Helga-ish.

XoXoXo

It's 6:00 am, but I couldn't go back to sleep. Careful not to wake any members Loservile, I tip toed down the stairs, letter in hand. I opened the door. It was time to take a short trip to the mail box.

"Maybe if I close my eyes and look away, I'll be able to send it!" I mused.

I shut my eyes as tight as I could. I took a deep breath. I turned my head to the left. Instead of focusing on the letter, I thought about how to say the alphabet backwards. _Z, Y, X_

"Ah, criminy, what am I saying. I'll never be able to send Arnold a letter. It's just too hard"

I decided to head home, with my head down. I was only ten feet from the door when I heard a horrible crash. I spun around to see what it was, panicking. What if we were being robbed? I glanced around for something I could use as a weapon, until I saw the cause of the crash. Olga was in Big Bob's dream mobile, and had crashed into the curb. The paint job was ruined. I dashed over to the driver's side.

"Olga? What are you doing?"

My older sister burst into tears like she always does. "Oh Helga, I just wanted to get to practice on time!"

I saw the light in my parent's room come on, and I knew that Olga didn't have much time. I also knew that I could do two things. #1: I could act shocked and surprised and let Olga finally get the punishment she deserves and become the golden child. #2: I could push Olga out of the car and act like it was me so that Olga would owe me forever.

"Move it, car crasher!"

I pushed my idiotic sister out of the car and clicked the seat belt. The door slowly opened revealing a spaced-out Miriam and an irritated Bob in their pajamas. Bob held my prized baseball bat in his hands like a weapon. Apparently he had come to the same conclusion that I had about robbers.

"Eh what's going on here?" Showtime.

"Oh Dad, I just wanted to pass drivers Ed!" I fake cried.

My lucky bat clattered to the ground as Bob hurried to his car. "My car!"

"H...elga, honey...are you...are you... okay?" Miriam asked, her voice more slurred than usual, due to shock.

"I don't know," I lied.

Big Bob plucked me out of the car like a grade blade and set me down like I weighed no more than a sack of flour. "I told you not to drive my car! Didn't I tell her not to drive this car, Miriam?"

"Uh Huh. I'm just glad...that she's safe...and yeah."

Miriam hugged me, and I squirmed in her arms. There are very few people who I allow to touch me. Miriam is not, wasn't, and will never be on the select list. Once she was done I stooped down to pick up my lucky bat. Big Bob kicked it away from me.

"Hey! What gives! That's my lucky bat!"

"Well Olga-"

"HELGA!"

He stopped, remembering my name. "Well Helga, that was my lucky car."

I was starting to reconsider taking the blame for _darling _Olga, who just sat there, staring at the dandelions will I was getting scolded. "But I need my bat for my next game!"

The look I received was colder than ice. "And I needed my car to go to work tommorow. Come on Olga, let's go out for ice cream. We'll take your mother's car."

"Oh that sounds simply splendid, Daddy!" Olga giggled, glad to be back in Bob's favor again.

I sighed, and walked up the steps. Even when I win, I lose.

XoXoXo

In a single day, Olga became the golden child again. Or should I say the platinum child. Anything Olga wanted was hers. Clothes, cds, tickets, make up, etc. As long as she didn't use the words "career" and "actress in the same sentence, she had it made. And me? The just as talented yet forsaken younger child? I'm back at square one, only I didn't have my stupid lucky bat. I had to borrow one of Gerald's. It just wasn't the same. We lost our first stinking game.

But after a few days, Olga was staring to crack. Her moral "values" (which she picked up from those religious shows on TV that no one actually watches), prevented her from doing so. I knew that at any given moment

"Pass the salt, Olga."

"Helga, Dad."

"Hmph."

I handed him the salt shaker, rolling my eyes at his immature behavior. If I wanted to deal with middle schoolers, I'd hang with Gerald's younger sister.

"Don't roll your eyes at me, little lady. This is my house."

"I'll do as I _please,_" I mimicked his older, "wiser" tone.

He snorted. "Yeah, I noticed that you _think _you can do whatever you please, kid. Well you can't. Things are going to change around here if you think you can drive cars like your in Nascar and talk to me like I'm one of your silly school friends. Like Fiona."

"Her name is Phoebe, _Father_."

"Whatever. The point is, that you don't have your license yet, and you fricking trashed my car! You don't even take drivers Ed!

"Bob I really-"

Olga stood up. "No! Stop the fighting baby sister! I cannot bear it anymore! Daddy, I'm the one who crashed your car. I let Helga take the blame for me because I was afraid of how you'd react."

It was like Olga had dropped a nuclear bomb in the center of the dinner table. Miriam, who was dozing off, woke up almost instantly. I sat there, smug. Checkmate.

"Olga, you're one disappointment after the next. First you talk all this actress crap, and now you destroy my car? Plus you let your _younger _sister take the heat? You're the only Pataki in history to be both reckless and a coward."

"I just wanted to get to practice on time, Daddy!"

"Don't expect anything from me, Olga."

He got up, and went to the kitchen. Miriam stared blankly at the place were he sat. Olga, for once in her life didn't cry. Why? Because Olga probably knew that it was coming. One by one, each Pataki left the dinner table quietly. There was nothing else to be said.

XoXoXo

Later on, Big Bob confronted me about my switch-a-roo with Olga while I was doing my french homework. I thought I would be severely punished. Like grounded. Or shunned. Or lectured. Or even deported. He held my lucky bat in his right hand. My dad never had the time to beat me, but I knew he loved that car...

"I believe this belongs to you." He handed me the bat, and started to walk away.

"Wait! You're not mad at me?"

"Why would I be mad you?"

My eyes went wide with shock. "Well, I did lie to you and Miriam about the car..."

"Nah, kid. That didn't bother me at all. It took guts to do what you did. One of the best Pataki traits there is."

"So we're fine now, right?"

For the first time in years, I was having a conversation with my dad that didn't irritate me. I guess it was awkward. But at the same time, it was sort of...it was kind of...nice. Maybe the people I live with were actually showing signs of becoming a family. Ha. That's funny. Forget I said that, because that's one thing that'll _never _happen.

"Yeah, kid."

"Cool."

"Well, I'm going to go to the store now."

"Can you get me a pack of mini donuts while you're there?"

"Yeah, fine."

"Bye."

"See you later."

That wasn't the most smooth conversation I had ever had, but it was a start. I turned off the light and packed up my french stuff. Sometimes it's better to be in the dark and see than to be in the light and be blind.

**Legal Crap: I don't own, so don't sue.**


	4. Blackmail

The Pataki's

"Blackmail"

XoXoXo

_Dear Arnold,_

I paused to make sure that none of the obnoxious girls in the locker room were looking over my shoulder. You've got to be careful about things like that, you know. I continued writing.

_I heard somewhere that when you dream about someone, they miss you. Do you miss me? I had a dream that you and I were walking in the forest looking for your hat. Strange enough, when I woke up, the hat you gave me was in my hand. It was a pretty weird dream, but hey, it was kind of nice to think that you miss me. Besides, I've always thought the forest was calming, minus the blood-sucking bugs. I hope everything is going wonderful in San Lorenzo. Call me if you can: 732-2140_

_-Helga_

I folded the letter three times, and tucked it in my back pocket. I slid off my pants and pulled of my shirt. I left my discarded clothes on the bench, not bothering to store them in my locker. And why would I need to? No one ever messed with Helga G. Pataki's stuff. Ever. There would sooner be a cold day in hell.

Ignoring all the other undressed girls in the room, I pushed back the shower curtain and turned on the water. I could feel the steam rushing to my pores opening every single last one. I put a glob of strawberry shampoo in my hair and scrubbed. Technically, that shampoo was Miriam's but hey. Her house is my house, so why couldn't I use her hair care products?

I wrapped a towel around my waist and began getting dressed. By the time I was halfway dressed I knew something was missing. The note was gone. I pulled on my shirt and turned around.

"How very interesting," Rhonda mused from behind me. She folded my letter into three squares.

A rabid animal was set free. I slammed her up against the locker, and started trying to snatch the letter from her girly hands.

"Give that back!" I screamed, steaming.

I almost had the note, when Big Patty walked in. "Break it up!"

Her big meaty hands pushed off of each other. I went flying backwards and landed on a bench. Patty's scowl could've fried an egg on the sidewalk in 5 seconds flat.

"Really guys? You're acting like we're still in elementary school." She rolled her eyes at us, and shook her head.

My reply was feeble. "But Rhonda took my-"

"No butts. I just want everyone to get along _my senior year_. Got it, Pataki?"

At this moment I knew I had two choices. Choice one: nod, and slither away with my tail between my legs. That might hurt my bad girl appearance, but Patty was a senior after all so it wouldn't be bad. Choice two: ignore Patty and get back to fightning for the note. If Patty lost her temper on me, there was a 1 out of 3 chance that I might win. When I hit my growth spurt in the 7th grade, I became taller than her. And my shoulders were broader. However, I was a skinny girl and Patty had gotten into more fights than I had over the years. Plus, Patty was 100% pure muscle. I decided to play it safe and do a combination of the two.

"Whatever," I muttered, and twisted my cap around so the rim wasn't covering my face. Eye contact was the key when dealing with Big Patty.

"Good, twerp."

Indifferently, I got up and grabbed my bag. On the outside, I looked calm and confident. But on the inside I was a mess. I _had _to get that letter back.

XoXoXo

Smug, I spied Rhonda tuck the note into her locker. I had tricked Lila earlier into stealing a coat hanger from her fellow drama goons. With the coathanger, I thought I'd be able to break into her locker. I waited til Queen Bee was away from her locker and all the other morons were in class. Casually, I strolled up to her locker and began attacking it with my makeshift lock pick.

"Criminy, for Pete's sake will you just open!"

I checked my watch. Since everyone, including Mr. Wu himself fell asleep in his class, I wouldn't be noticed if I showed up late. After 15 sad failures, I was almost ready to give up. I gave it 1 last real try, and jammed it with all my mite. I could feel it working.

"Uh, Miss Pataki?" Doug, the cursed Janitor was right behind me. "May I ask what you're doing."

I had to play it cool. "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm trying to open my locker. Doi!"

Doug didn't even blink. "You're locker is farther down the hall, Miss Pataki."

Oh crap. He was on to me. Lie Helga! Lie for your life!

"How am I supposed to know when all of these stupid lockers are all painted the same hideous shade of red?" I threw my hands up in the air, frustrated.

Doug wasn't amused. "They're numbered, you know."

I glanced at the numbers on the locker, and widened my eyes like I had seen them for the first time. Ha. Though Olga was the one becoming an actress, I knew that I would be better than her. Hey! I finally found one thing that I could beat Olga at!

"Oh, wow! I didn't notice!" I ran up and gave Doug a hug. "Thanks Doug."

"You're welcome!"

I dashed down the hall, to Mr. Wu's class. Phew. That was too close.

XoXoXo

I had to try a different tatic. I gulped, and went over to Rhonda during lunch.

"Hey Rhonda."

"Thank godness you're here." She giggled, and made a gesture toward Nadine, who burst into stupid laughter as well.

"You mind getting me a yogurt, Helga?"

_Uh what? _"Um, yeah. I would mind because I came here to have a nice conversation with you abou-"

Rhonda pulled out her cellphone and began pressing buttons. The lunchroom monitor wasn't even paying attention to the no "cellphone rule" and was chatting with the nurse, so Rhonda got away with it. Wait a minute, I thought. She wasn't pressing random buttons.

"What are you doing?" I hissed. That witch was calling Arnold's number!

She ignored me. "Hi Arnold. It's Rhonda. You know, from 4th grade."

My heart rate went up to a dangerous level. "Okay, Okay! I'll get you your lousy yogurt."

"Uh-huh. Well, Helga wrote something very interesting today after gym." She mouthed the words _without additude._

I shook my head. Whatever happened couldn't be that bad. I mean, maybe he would even think it was funny. And maybe he'd call me to talk about it after school. And after that, who knows? He could start calling me again on a regular basis and start to question his relationship with his cursed girl friend from San Lorenzo, Paula. I could still have a shot.

"Yeah, sure. I know. Don't worry. Anyway, here's how it starts."

Rhonda dug inside her pocket, and found a piece of paper with purple writing on it. "'Dear Arnold. I heard somewhere that when you-'"

"I'll go get you a yogurt, Ms. Rhonda." The sentence burned inside my mouth but I forced my feet to move

"Oh, well would you look at the time. Sorry Arnold, but I got to go. Sorry!"

I plucked a strawberry yogurt and payed for it. I marched back to Rhonda, and gave her her _precious _yogurt. She smiled, but then saw the label.

Her facial expression was shocked. "Well, gosh."

"What?" I snapped. "I got you your yogurt."

"But I hate strawberries. Helga, darling, would you mind fetching me a blueberry yogurt instead? Nadine here can have this one."

"I want one too! Make it vanilla," Sheena squealed.

"And a vanilla," Rhonda added.

I rolled up my sleeve, and growled. Rhonda smirked and picked up her diamond-encrusted phone. I paused, feeling weak. I went back to the lunch line. What could I do? I was powerless.

XoXoXo

Rhonda decided to sit next to me during French class. I groaned as she placed her designer handbag on her desk, looking oh-so smug. I ought've turned around and smacked the cash out of her.

"Today, class, we're going to have a pop quiz."

Everyone moaned, but Rhonda sat there looking calm and confident. She faced me, and mouthed the word _answers. _I rolled my eyes at her and mouthed back _no. _She grinned, and wordlessly said _Arnold. _Sighing, I nodded and made a thumbs up. Our teacher passed out everyone's quiz and instructed us to be silent. She then walked back to the front of the class, sat down at her desk, and began reading a cheesy romance novel.

I got to work, feeling like one of the wicked witch's winged monkeys. After I finished I slid my paper over to Rhonda. She scribbed down the answers and passed it back. There was a little crude smiley face drawn in blue ink.

XoXoXo

"Oh Helga!"

"What?"

She handed me her backpack. "Be a doll and take this to my locker for me, won't you?"

I began walking away with her backpack, in a horrible mood. "Whatever."

"Oh, and please take off that disgusting cap while you're at it. It does _not _match your outfit."

I paused mid-step. I wasn't sure if I had heard her right. My...cap? No. I had misheard her. She must've said something else. Something less...wicked. There's no way she would want me to do that. Right?

"Take the cap off, Helga!"

"Why? What's it to you?"

"Just take the silly cap off! It's like your blankie or something."

There was tension in the air. Rhonda glared at me and folded her arms. Meanwhile, I thought of the person who had given it to me. Arnold. It was one of my only few reminders that we were ever a couple. My mouth went dry.

"Go on," she urged. "Do it." She took out her phone and waved it in my face.

Slowly, I pulled my hat off of my head. "Better?" I sneered.

Her eyes were glued to the top of my head. Then, suddenly, she burst into laughter for no reason. I touched the top of my head, making sure I wasn't wearing a clown hat underneath by mistake. I narrowed my eyes. What was so funny?

"You're _still _wearing that _childish _bow? Wow. Talk about out dated."

"What?" I answered. "I can wear what I want, okay _Rhon-duh_?"

"At least it matches your shirt," Rhonda snickered. "Well, you better get going. And don't forget to wash my car after school!"

I glowered at her once last time before I headed up the stairs. As soon as she was gone, I put the hat back on my head. Old habits die hard.

I heard a loud breathing noise. A brief flashback of the dance played through my mind. I punched Brainy in the face without even looking at

XoXoXo

"She's driving me crazy!" I ranted.

Phoebe nodded, understanding as always. We were in the library with Lila, trying to find books for our group project. Lila didn't seem to understand anything.

"Excuse me, but why is this an ever-so important issue?"

"Because!" I shout-whispered. "Arnold already has a girlfriend. Her name's Paula."

Lila took this in for a moment. Phoebe grabbed a heavy book from the shelf. I raised my one eyebrow, waiting for a responce. Lila opened and closed her mouth twice.

"But how you know, Helga?"

"He told me!"

"Wasn't that a year ago?"

Mentally, I counted how long it had been. Huh. Lila was right. It had been a year. It didn't change anything though. My mind was made up. Arnold must never know how I never got over him.

"Arnold isn't the type for short relationships, Rapunzel."

"Plus, I'm sure we would've heard about it if he broke up with her," Phoebe chimmed in.

Lila shrugged. "Just a thought."

"Why don't you just even the odds? Beat her at her own game," Phoebe suggested.

"How?"

Phoebe sighed, and went inside her bag. She pulled out a disposable camera. I stared at the camera, not putting two and two together. She tossed it to me.

"I was _going _to save this for my trip to London this summer, but I think you need it more."

"What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Rumor is that Rhonda's going out with Curly behind Harold's back."

I was taken by surprise. Curly? Weird, Short, and ugly Curly? The same one with glasses so thick he could see into the future and a Beatles hair cut so terrible it made the actual Beatles cry? There must been some other Curly with a better hairstyle that went to our school. There was no way Rhonda would go for Curly when she had Harold.

"I despise gossip ever-so much, but even I heard that. They're going to meet over at her house at 10:30 tonight."

"Huh." I still wasn't over the shock.

"I think it's certainly romantic!"

I rolled my eyes. "I think it's disgusting. Why would Rhonda even _think _about cheating on Harold?"

Phoebe sighed. "Sometimes people don't understand how perfect things are until they lose them."

XoXoXo

By the end of the day, I had fetched Rhonda and her idiot friends yogurts, helped her cheat on a quiz, carried her books, taken of my hat for her, washed her car, and prank called her ex-boyfriend, Tonny, for her. And I was done with Rhonda. But I'd have to see more of Rhonda inorder to make things even again.

I checked my watch. 10:28. Perfect. I crawled underneath her porch in my "ninja outfit". Curly would be here any moment now, if the rumors were true. And hopefully they were. Because I was _not _going to spend the rest of my life being Rhonda's unpaid servant. I heard a rustle and the pit-pat of feet.

"Romeo, Romeo where for art thou, Romeo," Rhonda called out from her window. I had never heard Rhonda's voice sound so...in love.

"Down here, my sweet!" Curly's sickly voice responded, excited.

Rhonda giggled. "I'll be down in a moment!"

I prepared my camera. This would be perfect. All Rhonda cared about was her reputation, clothes, and gossip. But most importantly her reputation. If this ever got out, Nadine would be the new self-appointed Queen of the school. And Rhonda would sooner use Sid's toothbrush before she let Nadine replace her.

Rhonda was now directly on top of my cramped hiding place. Curly jumped on top of the porch to greet his lying lover. I aimed my camera at them through one of the cracks between the porch's wood. He kissed her hand, making a loud smacking noise. I used this noise to cover up the _click! _of my camera capturing the scene.

"I've missed you, babe," Curly cooed. "Look, I brought you this."

He held out a glittering necklace, and fastened it around Rhonda's long neck. "Thank you Curly. It's beautiful. It will go great with my baby blue dress I bought yesterday."

He kissed her neck, and made the same semi-disgusting noise as before. _Click! _I was going to have enough pictures for a scrap book by the end of the night. And if she ever pissed me off again, I could drop the scrap book off over at Harold's house. Pink boy would be furious.

"I got it from my Uncle. He's a mime."

"You think if I wear it anyone will suspect anything?" She asked, as she ran her fingers through his sloppy haircut.

He laughed (more like cackled). "Of course not. Just tell them it came from your d_addy_." The word "daddy" was full of mock drama.

They both snickered and sat down on the porch swing. I rolled over to the left corner of my hiding place, so that I would have a good angle. Rhonda rested her head on Curly's shoulder. For the sake of the mission, I decided not to vomit.

"Oh! A shooting star!" Rhonda cheered. "Quick, make a wish." I used Rhonda's voice to mask the sound of my camera.

"I wish for world domination and a total of 124 lizards to keep me company in my palace under the sea."

Playfully, Rhonda shoved him. "You sound so hot when you talk all eccentric like that," she paused. "but that can't be your only wish."

"I wish you'd break up with Harold. Your turn, doll."

"I wish I could," Rhonda confessed.

The wind made a strange whistling noise, and I took another picture. Curly took Rhonda's hand and stared into her eyes. He tucked a few stray strands of Rhonda's hair behind her ear.

"Why don't you then? What's stopping you? Giant Mutant chickens?"

Rhonda sighed, mildly annoyed. "I just...can't! I can't Curly. I'm sorry. A popular girl has to have a popular boyfriend."

Curly was about to get up. "Then you don't love me."

"Y-Yes I do!" Rhonda struggled.

"Then show me," Curly replied.

Rhonda opened her mouth, but Curly cut it off with his hand. "Not with your words, with you actions."

Rhonda looked at the moon for a minute, as if the answer was written on the giant rock. She muttered something under her breath. And then, without warning, she grabbed Curly's face with both hands and kissed him full on the lips. Curly, though caught a little off guard, resonded immediately. My more romantic side inwardly sighed with envy. But my meaner side didn't, and instead sighed with impatience. I caught a few candid shots of them kissing and smirked.

"I love you more than I ever loved Harold," She breathed "Seriously. He's just for appearance."

"That was incredible. Like a snowman in July eating a possum."

The love birds began kissing again, without knowing that I was just clicking away on my camera. Everything was going my way.

XoXoXo

The next day, I waited til Rhonda was alone in the girl's bathroom. I had taken a total of 15 photos, and brought just 3 to torment her with. They were heavy in my pocket as I watched her apply her eyeliner.

"Helga? Oh that's great. You mind ordering my friends andI a pizza?"

"No way, bucko." I had the world's most smug grin on my face as I said those words.

"Have you forgotten about your letter." She dangled the letter in front of me like a fish hook.

"Have you forgotten about you and Curly's love affair?"

Rhonda's face went white with shock. She then tried to mask it with her usual confidence. Too late, I thought. I saw you flinch.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

I flashed a _lovely _picture of Curly kissing Rhonda's neck. I let her snatched it from me and flush the photo down the toilet. Her eyes were filled with panic. Kind of the same way my eyes were filled with panic the day she called Arnold. One of the most wonderful moments in the world are not when the shoe is on the other foot, but when you _cram _it on the other foot.

"How'd you get this picture?" She was frantic.

"Don't you worry your fashionable head about it. Oh, yeah, and there's more pictures where that came from."

I produced a shot of them making out. Rhonda's hands were firmly press on Curly's cheeks, so it was clear who _really _started the kiss. His arms were on her legs, making it clear that he was okay with it. Rhonda looked like she might faint.

"You must've used photoshop," She insisted.

I laughed. "Right, that's what you'll tell Harold once I show him these pictures, right?"

"Please! I'll do anything!"

Rhonda struggled to open her purse, and pulled out her checkbook. I watched her write me a check in black ink. She looked up at me, and handed me the check. 500 bucks. I tried not to look impressed.

"That's a start. Now I want you to destroy the note."

She ripped the note in two, without blinking. "Now we're even."

"Yep," I answered, about to leave.

"I can't believe you did this to me. That's...low."

"It's the same thing you did to me." My words were sharper than any knife known to man.

Rhonda shrugged. "You always pretend like you're better then the rest of us, but you're not. Sure, you may act all big and tough, but you're not. You're just that school girl with a crush on the good guy, who can't handle a grown up relationship. I mean, just look at me! I have two guys all over me and you can't even win ol' Arnold over."

I turned around. "And _that's _where you're wrong, Princess."

I knew what I was going to do with my new money. I was going to go to San Lorenzo.

**Legal Crap: I don't own anything. Doi! **


End file.
